senior convocation

I just..

I just don't understand why are they so happy..it's just a normal day like everyday.

It's just you got to wear your gowns the first time and get the pins...

it's not even special

seniors are also humans.. they are not different from any human beings..

why make it such a big day..

more reponsibility? role model?

isn't that what all people should do although THEY ARE NOT SENIORS?

.....

it's ridiculous

And why is today unexpectly so totall brigh, sunny, and a clear Sky?

I wanted it to rain...just like I did.

They are running and jumping infront of the cameras.

While I just walk quietly out alone and return the gowns to the staff.

And walk quietly back to the locker.

I so much wanted to tear this senior shirt apart.




I don't understand this painful feeling..

why are they extremely happy with this event while I am extremely sad..

why they are so excited when I am extremely worn off..

when they are smiling I am not..


It's freakin' DAMN HARD to kept these tears infront of huge crowd of people you know?

I still don't understand why I cried a lot today.

Perhaps.. just perhaps because I wanted her to be in today's event also.

Just her.


Although I have some few other "friends" in this school.

But it seems they are too happy with there friends and/or parents.

So I don't want to bother them...

And just really, I don't understand.

Why does the good person that seems to be so hard to find in this school are always busy?

Everyone of them...

.....

I kept trying to think about games so that I would stop crying.

But after each speech they gave.. they kept on repeating this year last year...

and bonds and relationships with friends.


The teacher told me I was the only one that puts on my gown by myself and the pin+ribbon on my collar.

My assigned partner didn't even cared who I am or where I was.

I even walked alone in the rehearsal..



I went out the school gate

I went out the school gate a bit early today because they let us out early that usuall to let us take pictures and stuff……

So I just came to my usuall spot … and take a position nap.

But 20 minutes later my left arm sweater got all soaked out (I’m even surprised my self…)…..

And it hurts so much I was grinding my teeth…



I realized later that some people started to come out of the school.

So I went walking … towards the road until I meet up with my mom.


She asked me why my voice seems like I have a cold.
I didn’t reply anything.

……

(out of story)

I have nooooo idea why during the past weeks

I TRIPPED A LOT

but weird thing is, I didn’t fall though..

but I so damn hell tripped too much.. it’s weird for me..

I don’t remember anytime being this clumsy….



Last..
everyday when I came back from school, and after the tutorings…..
I open up my computer.. staring at the screen whether the online is next to the name I was finding or not….

If that day is not, I will go up and sleep early as usuall..

Although lately I have a hard time sleeping, but sometimes I’m really mentally tired until I just got knocked off myself.

But usually she is online.
And we would chat until midnight or 1 am, which is considered very very very very late for my family

Then..my mom would scold at me and gets more angry everyday and everyday…

She kept asking me what am I doing on the computer.

I simply cannot reply to her that I’m talking to this friend.

Because she will always say I am wasting too much of my time.

I know…..

But I cannot stop.

She said she understands my feelings.

Never true.

Yes, I’m 16, currently in grade 12, formerly grade 11, which these years are typically the emo-crap years.

But I was and currently am still shocked, sad, and depressed.

I can accept reality although it is infront of me – smashing through my face.

And I don’t want to talk to anyone at school.

I don’t want to make any new bonds at all.

Since they are going to go away either the end of this year or next year.

I have felt enough losing feelings already, and I know I will experience more in the future.

I only wanted to keep the bonds I have already had and continue developing them as much as a person who was born in this world could do.


In the end...

in this school...

5th floor toilet is still the best place to stay for now..

it's dark..small..and very quiet....very peaceful......

it reminds me of the "me" in grade 9 though.. (and after that the horrible memories came)